See, Dad was my biggest fan. When I started ice skating at 3 years old, he saw great potential in me (realize he saw it, not that it was actually there) and pretty soon started talking olympics and blah blah. Ice skating didn't last long. Enter gymnastics and repeat the first example taking out the ice and adding in bars and vaults. Didn't last long. Then came school. Relatively smart little girl, daughter of genius man ...you get the picture, he encouraged me in making really good grades. He just forgot many times that I was not a genius!
I must admit, sometimes Dad's "encouragement" made me mad. Especially when I struggled with higher math and science. He really wanted me to get some things that I just couldn't quite grasp ...like physics. But when I gave my salutatorian speech at my high school graduation you would have thought, based on his expression, that I was the best thing ever. When I was done speaking I immediately looked to Dad, who gave his signature thumbs up with his signature big cheeks happy face! The same he gave me when I was a teeny little ice skater. The same he gave me when I was a scared little gymnast. The same he gave me during my *very* brief stint practicing basketball. Don't laugh too hard about that last one - I won the free throw competition at basketball camp. (Remember, Carrie?)
He was for me. Always for me. He held me to a high standard. He had high expectations. But he loved me no matter what. My biggest fan without a doubt. I miss that so much. Knowing that he was watching me, even though I didn't always admit it to myself, made me try harder and made me happy, especially as I became a mother. Many times he told me what a good momma he thought I was, which is always so good for us guilt-prone moms to hear.
I miss so much this part of him. The part that was ridiculously supportive. Sometimes I felt with my grades that I just couldn't do good enough. But in other areas of my life, looking back, I realize I really could have done no wrong in his eyes. I miss having my biggest fan, you know, because who doesn't need one of those? But part of the good of Dad's leaving for home, and you must find the good, is that I've found an even bigger biggest fan in God. It has taken 32+ years for this to happen, but it has. It started with imagining what Dad thinks when he looks down on me, which I know he does, and turned into a realization that God has always looked down as well. Yes, I've always believed that he does, but I feel it now more than ever before. It's that I've had to look to God for some of what my dad used to provide me with. When you are without your dad, and you miss him so very much, you look for something to fill in what's missing. God has always been my Father, but he has become my Dad.
So, I said all of that to say that's why Kari Jobe grabbed my attention. With this song:
You Are For Me
So faithful, so constant,
so loving and so true,
so powerful in all you do.
You fill me, you see me.
You know my every move,
you love for me to sing to you.
And I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me.
I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that you have come down, even if to write upon my heart to remind me who you are.
So patient, so gracious,
so merciful and true, so wonderful in all you do...
Oh, and Dad loved to hear me sing. Chorus girls, do you remember how mad I'd get at Dad for sitting practically on top of us at a few of our performances? It's because he wanted to be able to hear me. He loved to be by me at church and I'd catch him not singing sometimes so he could hear me. (Wow, do I miss that.) He asked me to sing to him when he was sick. For too long, I refused, it seemed weird. In his last weeks I sang to him many times. How I treasure that now...and I still like to imagine that he's listening... and I know when he sees me on our praise team at Landmark, he is beside himself and giving me a big thumbs up.
So while this song is about my God, it is also, to me, about my dad, and where the two have met in my life. I've said it before, I'll say it many more times because it is too wonderful - I have my dad and my Father waiting for me to come home. That is something to be happy about!