So I stood there asking him,

trying to hold back the tears, to steady the voice, just when he thought I'd be able to approach March 23rd without so much sadness. It's now been six years of missing him every day, so when can this particular day become more normal? My man is so smart, he asked shouldn't it make me sad? Why was I putting unrealistic constraints on my grief? I suppose it was my way of trying to handle it on my own, which maybe one day I'll remember I can't do anything on my own.

As I was reading a favorite blog last night, God showed me what I needed to do with these words:

When we practice giving thanks, we practice the presence of God, stay present to His presence, and it is always a practice of the eyes. We don't have to change what we see. Only the way we see it.

Ann Voskamp from One Thousand Gifts

 And so I found my 1000+ gifts journal. The one I haven't written in since last July. A stalled listing of His gifts at no. 105. But there are so, so many more and I want to count again, to focus the eyes, the heart. I felt a nudge to count gifts last night regarding Dad. And though there is still an extra heaviness of heart today, six years later, this counting makes me smile.

(106) I can still remember the sound of his voice.
(107) I can still picture his big cheeked grin.
(108) Imagining one of his swallow-me-up-in-big-arms hugs.
(109) Still having his handwriting tucked away here and there.
(110) How he believed in me.
(111) Those funny sayings of his and {see no. 106}, how I can still hear him say them. "Whatcha       waitin' on? Sundown and payday?"
(112) He loved to sing.
(113) He loved being Poppa.
(114) A hard though precious memory: crying with him, sharing one big chair, the night before we'd receive a sure diagnosis.
(115) Saying what needed to be said to each other, the time to say it.
(116) The privilege of helping to care for him in those days.
(117) The amazing peace that came over him when he chose to go home so he could go Home.
(118) How once he checked with me before taking medicine that our {amazing} nurse handed him. I was in charge of his meds when we got him home, apparently even when the nurse was in the house.
(119) How the Father has drawn me closer and closer in the absence of my dad.
(120) For 29 years he was mine.

And I could go on and on, but I need to get ready to meet with my mom. Share some of this day together. Take new flowers to the cemetery. Go watch Miles give his first presentation about his favorite trip. For six years, the sun has still risen and set. The world has still turned. And I was so sure it would stop when dad left. But when the eyes learn to change the way they see things, there have been tremendous blessings come from this great sadness. He truly brings beauty from ashes, turns mourning into dancing, sorrow into joy.

And so, I will go about this March 23, allowing myself to feel whatever I feel. Extra sadness, a heavier heart with smiles because of the gifts I can count. How could I not miss him, really? And that's ok.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."   Psalm 34:18 NLT

how can it be?

September 12, 2010 

September 14, 2011

"...no little girl can stop her world to wait for me..." {Natalie Merchant}

ten years later...

as seen by six-year-old Miles during our 9-11 remembrance service at church. "Sorry about the buildings."

Milla Jean is one!

So my baby girl did it - she turned one! Without my permission, actually, but she went right ahead and did it anyway. How does this keep happening to me? My babies growing up? When thinking of Milla's party, the decisions went like this:

• {1} Make a peg-doll-Milla cake topper.
• {2} MUST make a ruffle cake.
• {3} Pink, pink, pink!

Am I ever thankful for the internet where all of my inspiration and how-to instructions come from. I was pretty intimidated by the ruffle icing, but just had to give it a shot, and you know what? It was so easy {and fun!}. If you are curious, find the peg doll tutorial here and a ruffle icing how-to video here.

And a shout out to super Anita, who took these lovely photos of the cake and decorations. No photoshopping here, folks, just talent. {I  did get a bit photoshop happy down there on the birthday girl pictures, but I just have so much fun with actions.} But that Anita, she just worked magic with these up here all by herself.



Of course I have to thank my mom for lots of help {lots!}... she made raspberry oatmeal bars, arranged flowers, and helped clean. {Thanks, Mom!}



And here is the precious birthday Milla Jean! She really wanted to grab hold of the candle or the flame or something, so aside from a little danger, she enjoyed us singing happy birthday. Well, she wasn't bothered by the actual danger, but by how I wouldn't let her get her little hands on that candle. We actually sang twice because her big bro Miles accidentally blew out her candle with the party blower thing. {What are those called?}



She needed a little help trying the actual cake and not just the icing. Some people like the icing. Some people like the cake. I like both, and I think she did, too!

The whole family at our {last} first birthday party. This picture will be hanging on my wall soon.

Happy birthday to my sweet Jeannie-girl! It's been a precious, too-fast, wonderful year of loving you, though I'm sure I've loved you forever. I'm so happy you've been given to us.

school boys

The transition from homeschool {for Elijah and me} and preschool {for Miles} has gone pretty well so far. We've now got 12 school days under our belts, and with the exception of Elijah forgetting to copy down a few homework assignments and me forgetting his focus medicine once, it's been great. Miles may not admit it, but he's happy to go to school each day. And Elijah is really happy. I'm still struggling ever so slightly with handing him over, it's a control thing... but I can already see how much he needs to own his days, his work, a bit more than he could when I was momma-teacher.

I was a nervous wreck {on the inside!} that first morning. During chapel, which started the day, Elijah leaned over and patted me on the back. He had no problem heading to his new classroom, meeting his new teacher. I had a hard time leaving him, and Miles too, but they did great. God sent comfort and confirmation to me through the words of the wonderful principal, Mrs. Stewart, during chapel. She reminded us all that it is God Who ordains our days, that He intended for our children to be at this place at this time. She gave a charge to the teachers to teach the children well, to help the children from being tossed about by the wind or waves of deceiving doctrine. She gave a charge to the students to work as unto the Lord. Heaven helped me {as it always does!}, to leave with a fresh knowing that our decision was made in Him. He knows how much I need reminding. {Thank you, Lord.}

So now we rise early, we learn in a different place, a different way, we wait and we anticipate all of the good that is to come in this new season...

Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 30:21

our trip in pictures {and a few words}

We were blessed, indeed,

with the opportunity to take

a wonderful vacation in Florida.

We are so thankful for God's provision

of this time through friends.

We played in the sand

and in the sea.

We had one {very} hot day, {very} fun day

riding, seeing, surprising! {We told the kids about our day at the Magic Kingdom on the ride there.}

And this baby loved the waves on her toes.

Thankful.

Now, to attempt to catch up a little on sharing the counted gifts. Have still been counting, but have gotten behind on sharing them here, which will explain the outdated seeming parts:

• {73} An old man asks Jonathan for a few dollars for something to eat, but we can only find one dollar between us. He makes a sandwich for the man, filling a bag with a few things. Miles comes to the kitchen with two dollars and some change. All the money he had, he gave away.
• {74} Ella missing Miles as he attends a neighborhood VBS she's not old enough for. "He has VBS the next day adain?"
• {74} Miles trying to encourage Ella just before her last swim lesson - she was crying and anxious and had asked for piggy tails. "Oh, you look so pretty!" was part of the pep talk.
• {75} Miles telling me that Matthew and Luke are in the middle of the bible, then he says "some stories are still being written." {On his 6th birthday-eve}
• {76}Rain over a thirsty, dry area.
• {77} A cold pack wrapped around a sprained ankle, my man telling me to rest.
• {78} Elijah and Ella sitting close, video on my iPhone, his head on her shoulder.
• {79} Miles and his dad working on a hot wheel track together {birthday gift!} together.
• {80} A sleeping Milla in my lap, weighty, warm.
• {81} Beautiful, powerful heat lightning.
• {82} Tall, puffy, cotton-ball clouds. Bright white on blue skies.
• {83} Being in the Pike Road 4th of July Parade with Elijah, Miles, Ella, Kell and Ian {my nephews}. Fun!
• {84} Spurgeon's words: "We have been in many trials, but we have never yet been cast where we could not find in our God all that we needed." See Isaiah 26:4
• {85} A date with Milesy.
• {86} Falling in love with him all over again!

To be continued. Not caught up, but still counting...

See what others thank Him for at Ann's

where we've been...

a few Floridian places. More to come...