in search of answers

I've been struggling with a bit of confusion lately. Still, there is no grand revelation or wrapping a solution up in a cute little package, but I am ok with that. See, I've decided what I found to be true soon after my dad died is still true. I do not have all the answers. I will not have all the answers. I am owed no answers. They are not mine to have. After all, the Word says "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

Lately I've been made more aware of the belief that people who aren't healed of disease (to stay here on Earth, that is) are not healed because there was a lack of faith in the ability of God to do so. I'm here to say I fully and totally believe God is able to do all things, anything, create all things, sustain all things, calm a storm, cause a sea to part, save, heal, restore and on and on. I believe the bible to be His inspired Word and that in it we can find proof of miracle after miracle He performed or allowed others to perform. I believe miracles still happen today. I believed He could heal my dad. But honestly, I sensed that He wouldn't. I can't say why I sensed it, but I can say it was not by a lack of faith, but an understanding I received. So, when I could find the words to pray during that time, my prayers were for freedom from the intense pain Dad was in, or the constant nausea, but mostly that God's will would be done. Usually I had no words of my own, so I begged the Spirit to pray for me.

So to know that some would think the reason my dad was not healed to remain alive here is because we didn't believe God could do it, is honestly a bit upsetting to me. Maybe I'm just selfish, or whiny, or maybe I just want some comfort. I've been searching and asking about this. And here's some of what I've found, or rather what God has led me to. It simply cannot be coincidental that as I need some direction on this specific idea I've stumbled on other blogs or have been sent a daily devotional that spoke to this particular wondering.

Look at what a mentor sent my way after I asked her what she thought. Isaiah 57:1-2 says:

Good people pass away;
the godly often die before their time.
But no one seems to care or wonder why.
No one seems to understand
that God is protecting them from the evil to come.
For those who follow godly paths
will rest in peace when they die.

And 2 Corinthians 5:6-8 says this:

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

These passages reaffirm my belief that my dad was healed, he is healed, and in the most thorough way because he's Home. Shouldn't we all "prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord?"

A few days ago I came across this blog. This family delivered a baby who had already passed on to heaven. Here are a few quotes I found there:

"Let us greet the day which assigns each of us to his own home, which snatches us from this place and sets us free from the snares of the world, and restores us to paradise and the kingdom. Anyone who has been in foreign lands longs to return to his own native land... We regard paradise as our native land."

- Cyprian

"When I heard that I was in the wrong place... my soul sang for joy, like a bird in spring. I knew now... why I could feel homesick at home."

- G.K. Chesterton

"In the truest sense, Christian pilgrims have the best of both worlds. We have joy whenever this world reminds us of the next, and we take solace whenever it does not."

-C.S. Lewis

"I have a longing for the world above where multitudes sing the great song,

for my soul was never created to love the dust of the earth."

-"Calvary's Anthem" from The Valley of Vision

So I've come full circle, having no definite answers, but knowing again that answers are not mine to have. That what is mine to have is faith, trust, hope, love and a knowing deep within that God has the answers and I'll come to know them if and when He deems it. Allison sent me a great devotional yesterday from Carolina Chapel that said "we cannot always change our circumstances, but we can place ourselves in God’s presence, so that His strength and perspective sustain us. There is a set time for you to question things, to not understand. Just know there is also a set time for your answer to come."

And finally, (as you breathe a sigh of relief that this post might just have an end!), in the April 29th devotional of My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers writes:

"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sign of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God... Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come."

camping

So, we went camping. That's right - I went camping. Hard to believe, I know. I still hardly believe it myself, but the scab on Miles chin and the band-aid tan line on Elijah's forehead are constant reminders of our time spent in the wild.

My fun loving friends, Anita and Dione, somehow recruited my family to go along with theirs' to tent camp at the lake. I was very hesitant. I thought of every reason not to go. The following is the short list: bugs. Heat. Tents. Dirt. The ground - being where I'd sleep. Sunburn. Did I mention bugs? There were only two reasons to go: being with great friends. The boys would love it - especially Miles. As you can tell, Miles and the great friends won out.

Many times since I've become a mother I've had to make decisions I didn't want to make or do things I didn't want to do. It's what a parent does, a good parent anyway, one that is trying. This is something I did for the boys that I didn't want to do. Never, ever have I just yearned for the tent camping experience. Ever. First thing when we arrived we ran into ourbrother-in-law's sweet grandmother, who has been camping for many, many years. She came over to give me encouragement (and offer me a rest on her camper's sofa!) and to tell me about the many fond memories she and her family have of camping. I decided right then that if Nonnie loves camping so much, then I should give liking it an honest try. She reminded me that when our children grow up it's the simple, fun family times that they will remember. It may seem silly, but I don't think it was a coincidence that Nonnie found us. Oh, and I didn't even take her up on the sofa offer!

The boys had so much fun. They made s'mores and then enjoyed totally roasting marshmallow after marshmallow. They had fun around the campfire. They rode a boat, and Elijah even tried out tubing. Miles loved tossing sticks and rocks into the lake. They slept so well in the tent. They played with toads. Miles drug a wagon around simply filling it with rocks, leaves and sticks. They loved it so much.

So, even though I woke up no less than 10 times during the night, I did get some sleep. I will go back, although it may require the cajoling of my friends again. But I'll do it because my boys need to just be outside, in the air, with the toads. One day we'll even take Ella with us. And she'll likely wander around collecting leaves and rocks and putting them in her purse alongside pretend lipstick. Now that I think about it - I'll definitely go back. I wouldn't miss it.

But not without an air mattress.

He is before all things

Isn't it wonderful that nothing, nothing at all, is a surprise to God? I came across this verse again tonight, and decided to add it to my memory verse list. It is wonderfully comforting to me.

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

Did you get that? He is before all things. He was here before all things and He goes before all things and He stands before all things. Know what else? He overcomes before all things. As hard as this life is. As confused as I may become. As scared. As worried. As sad. He is before it all, and knows what I'm about to endure. But if I let Him, He'll hold me together in the meantime. He'll hold me together. He'll hold you together. He holds all things together. Oh, I just fell in love with Him. Again.

I love the place He has brought me to. I'm touching the edge of His garment, and I feel the power of His healing coming over me. I know where He is leading me and I can hear Him if I'm still enough to listen. He has me wanting more. More of Him. More of His Word. More of His leading. More of His voice. More of the comfort of knowing. Knowing in my heart that He is my Father. That I am His daughter. That He loves me. That He will engage with me. That He sings over me. That He wants me to sing to Him. I'm praying that I'm just stepping into this new level of love with Him. That I've just barely gotten a taste, because I want so much more. Sounds a little selfish, doesn't it? I don't think He minds, just in this instance, if His little girl acts a bit selfish.
Psalm 27:14 says that we are to "wait for and hope for and expect the Lord." (Amplified), so surely it's just fine for me to wait for and hope for and expect MORE of Him.

He has rocked my little world in the past year. With wonderful new friendships, deepening old friendships, praising Him in new ways, calling me to teach my Elijah at home. A year ago, had you told me "hey, soon you'll be praising God... on stage... with the praise team... " I would have thought you were crazy. And if you had told me even six months ago, "and also, just so you know, when Elijah's in first grade you'll begin the journey of homeschooling your children." Well, I would've thought you to be certifiably insane. But God knew all of this. Long ago. Nothing surprises Him. And I know, I feel, that when we follow Him down a path that seems difficult we can "wait for and hope for and expect the Lord" and He will "lift [us] up in due time" (I Peter 5:5).

He waits to bless us and wants to bless us. You know what He really wants, though? Us. You and me. To love Him. To listen to Him. To follow Him. To believe Him. To believe His Son.

He has definitely taken me out of my little box lately, but I am so excited that He has. I would've missed out on so much had I gone with my plans instead of His. I can't wait to see all that He has planned for the days to come. And I love that He already knows. He knows what's next. And after that. And how it ends. Oh, wow. I just love Him.

Really?

That's something I find myself asking often. Especially asking God. Really God? Are you sure? I'm not sure. Seriously? And he always says "Yes, I'm sure. Really." This time it took a while for me to relent to what he wants.

You may recall this post, and others preceeding it, where I explored my feelings concerning sending Elijah to kindergarten. I spent so much time worrying, fretting, praying, pleading, wondering, praying more, waiting for the day I'd send him off to big school. To big school all day. Every day. I did not look forward to that day. But through our prayers we knew God led us to this specific school for Elijah. I still know that He did, by the way, but only for him to be there for a time.

God has been working on me since September. I ignored Him on this for most of the school year. But I couldn't ignore Him after Spring Break when Elijah begged not to return to school. All kids do that, right? Probably at some point, but here's what he said, "I don't want to go to school because we have something at home that they don't have and that's joy." So that was the first twinge of wanting to keep him home for real. Oh, I still tried to ignore it, but couldn't for long. A couple weeks later I asked Miles' sweet preschool teacher about her days homeschooling her three boys. I had never mentioned it to her until this day. Her eyes got big and she said, "I can't believe you're asking me this today. Just this morning as I prayed you came to my mind and I thought about how you'd be a perfect homeschool family." Really God? Yes, really.

So then I prayed and waited. Miles' teacher prayed. I had others praying. Jonathan prayed. I felt a definite call was being placed on my heart. I made plans to attend a homeschool conference. And then one Monday when Jonathan came home from work he said, "I was thinking about it today and just got a feeling that it's what we need to do." So there it is. We are going to bring Elijah home for school. He doesn't know yet. He still has three days left in Kindergarten, so we may tell him Thursday night, or maybe sooner.

How can I be so sure and excited about something that never appealed to me before? Never. Well, I found this scripture just after we made the final decision to do it:

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13

That's all that can explain this choice. God has changed my desire to be what He desires. A year ago had someone told me I'd be preparing to homeschool Elijah, I would've thought they were crazy. And now people will think I'm crazy. Ironic, huh? My purpose is not to please people though, it is to please God. If I ignored this call any further it would be nothing but disobedience. Do I expect it will be easy? No, actually I'm pretty scared about it but:

He orchestrates the events of our lives to build us up and bring Himself glory, but that doesn't mean we will always like what He has assigned us to do. We often encounter great challenges as we walk in obedience to God. The greatest challenge of all might just be getting used to the fact that sometimes His assignments are different than the plans we had for ourselves... As we submit to the Lord's plans, we must first allow God to change our perspective, radically realigning our desires with His. from Priscilla Shirer's Preparing to Hear from God

So, as I plan for and await next fall, I will spend much time with God. He'll probably continue to hear me ask "really?" and He'll likely continue to answer with a smile, "Yes. Really." and:

Whether [I] turn to the right or to the left, [my] ears will hear a voice behind [me], saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

So I will ask Him, "Will You be with me, God? Really?" And I will hear an emphatic, "I will, really."

For the Legacy wall at church...

I remember well how she would wake me up in the mornings. She would sing “Beautiful Dreamer” but because she didn’t know all the words, they were different every day. There was also an original song about how much she loved me that ended with “bunches and bunches, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.” Now I often tell my own little ones that I love them bunches and bunches, forever and ever. She is my mom and one of my very favorite people and one of my very best friends. The legacy that I remember her beginning to build while I was a girl is one of love: simple, unconditional, never ending, always growing, like I hung the moon love. As a mother myself now, I finally understand that kind of huge, consuming love.

I remember Mom sitting across from me at lunch the very first day we heard the words “pancreatic cancer” as they related to my dad. I remember her saying “How will I ever make it without him. What will I do?” And I honestly didn’t know at the time. He’d always been there. But, now three years later, she’s doing it. She’s making it. Is it easy? Not at all. She misses Dad every single day, but she accepts God’s new mercies. She lets His joy be her strength. And though she may not realize it, she’s teaching me to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:3

One day when she has gone Home, I’ll remember her laugh, her voice, the way she called me her “pookie-girl.” The way she spoiled me even as a grown woman. The way she would always listen. Always. How she was always there. How she supported me no matter what. How she thought I was a good mother. That she thought I had valuable ideas. I’ll remember the songs she sang when I was a girl. I’ll miss her greatly, but I will endure, because that's the legacy she will leave behind one day. One of enduring with God’s joy as my strength. I am so very blessed.

Kristin is trying to be still and listen...

at least that's what my most recent facebook status update claims. And I am truly trying. Really. I think. It's clear, though, that God knows I'm not too good at it. How amazing is it that the very next day after that facebook post, our bible study video and the upcoming week of homework is about... wait for it... being still.

Now, last week we learned that it takes two steps to serving God coming from two types of power: we must "believe that God has given you the power to serve Him" and the ability of "actually getting up and into action so that this great power can be used." It never occurred to me that this is not just one thing - I have believed God can do what He wills through me, but I've never thought to seek from him the energy to do that to which He has called me. And sometimes He calls us to very difficult things. So with many failings behind me I see - I believed, but didn't have the energy. I never asked for the energy. I've been missing out.

How does that fit in with being still, you may wonder. Well, I believe that God wants me to be still and wait on him. I'm not good at it. But if I ask Him, He will give me the power and discipline to do be able to do it. Priscilla Shirer used the text from John 6 where Jesus feed the 5,000 to reveal what she learned about being still. In verse 10, Jesus tells the disciples to "have the people sit down." From that, she says we can know that we, too, must sit down in the presence of God. First of all, Psalm 46:10 tells us that we can't know He is God until we are still. Until we are still. In John 6:11, Jesus distributed food to those who were seated. She said that He can't fill us up with what we need until we are seated - until we can trust Him.

John 6:10 shows that Jesus had them sit in a grassy place. Priscilla said this was a place of comfort - that this speaks to what we know about Him regardless of our circumstances. That's the green grass. Not greener, mind you. Green. Because things won't always be easy, but He will always be with us. And He sends friends our way to sit with us in the grassy place, or to encourage us to stay seated. The history we have with God and His Word help us to sit and wait on Him in this place.

So, as God is tugging at my heart for me to sit down and be still. As He waits for me to quiet my mind, my emotions, my plans and ambitions and my busyness. As He waits for me to listen. I will pray for the discipline to do so. He has new plans for me. As Priscilla asked in this study a couple weeks ago, "who knows what we miss when we don't change our plans for His?" I don't want to miss out. Do you?

"Show me Your ways, O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long..." Psalm 25:4-5

It's been a little rough lately with Elijah. Well, actually, this has been going on for two+ years. But it has made for a sometimes unpleasant kindergarten year. He doesn't finish his daily work. Most days. And ever since January we've been getting notes scrawled all over his worksheets from his teacher. My impression, which was based on an email, was that Elijah's teacher just thought he was being defiant. I know that not to be true. He started this not completing work thing back in preschool. And ever since I have wondered about it. So finally, we've been encouraged to have him tested for ADD. As it turns out, she was waiting for us to mention it first due to legal issues. He's certainly not hyper, in fact his teacher says she does not want him more subdued than he is. I'm thankful to find that she's not seeking for him to be medicated, but for him to possibly qualify for modifications if he is diagnosed. I'm not sure why something I've been suspecting has made me sort of sad... but it has. But I know God made Elijah. Just as he is. With attention problems. And a sweet, sweet heart. For a reason.

I recently heard this quote from Max Lucado's book Cure for the Common Life:

Our children are not a blank slate awaiting our pen, but are a written book awaiting our study.

I just had to sit there and let that sink in for a bit. It was so humbling to me. I assume so much responsibility for the lives of my children, and sure, I have a God-given responsibility to care for them. But it's not my place to impose my will on their lives. It's my place to pray for God's will for them. Then I wait for his response. As we are facing this attention issue I can't help but wonder what God will have us do with it. Where will this take us? What challenges will Elijah face if he has ADD? What wisdom will God give me to guide him? What will he teach me through this time? And, if Elijah's not a "blank slate awaiting my pen," then just what role do I take? Encourager? Advocate? Momma bear?

So I am praying. And waiting. And carefully listening. I've gotten several very interesting tugs at my heart. God is changing me. And as I wait, I've discovered a neat little book to read... it's about a little boy named Elijah...