I've been MIA around here lately. The days of summer have been busy, busy. One month from today my boys will start a new school, and there is much to be done by then, especially preparing myself for their going. But when I saw that Gypsy Mama's 5 minute Friday today is on loss, I had to take a few minutes to write. The typical rule is 5 minutes, but today she gave permission for more time as needed. We'll see, here goes
I relate well to CS Lewis' quote, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." I had no idea the absolute fear that would take hold of me after my dad died. I was afraid of so much, too much, but in particular I was afraid of living life without my dad.
I didn't know what deep loss felt like until he was gone. And how it truly would feel like I actually lost him, almost like he was misplaced, or kidnapped. Because it takes a while to really accept, really know that someone is gone. It takes a while before you stop thinking about calling them on the phone, before you can delete their email address from your list of contacts, or their number from your cell phone. It's like holding on to the last little bits of them will keep them real to you. We only recently changed my mom's voice mail from his voice.
One minute he was there, and a few minutes later he was gone. Just like that. Quiet, peaceful, here and then gone. I had prayed for his release, relief, ultimate healing. But then wondered why he was gone? Where had he gone? And would for long months wonder these things. Now, I know where really, There, with Him, Home... but I wanted to know distance, travel time, route. Proximity to me. I struggled so hard. Felt his absence so deep, the losing him. But it was my loss, and now I can write with a smile across my face, that my loss was his gain. The loss still stings, and the missing continues and will, but his gain is real and true. And I have found that knowing this, feeling this as deep as my grief, the hope of Where he is, of Who he is with, the promise of being with him and Him myself One day, it carries me.
All loss will One day become nothing but gain. Sorrow will become joy. Mourning will turn to dancing. Grasping to this hope begins to heal the deep loss...