{once again}

it has been a long Monday here. Why are Mondays that way sometimes? Honestly, I've had a {quite} yucky attitude. I feel stressed, worried, frustrated, tired. And I remember oh, yes...time to continue listing my graciously given {though not always graciously received} gifts. Let's see if we {make that He} can turn my frown upside down:

• {20} Marker-drawn beards on little faces, even her's.
• {21} Little baby with a toe in her mouth.
• {22} Oldest coming in just to say he loves me, then hug baby sister.
• {23} Sweet smelling jasmine blooming.
• {24} The littlest figuring out how to eat {and enjoy} a cracker, smiling with pride.
• {25} Unexpectedly coming across a card Dad gave me years and years ago signed, 

 

• {26} Knowing I'll see him again One Day.
• {27} The cup wasn't taken away and He has overcome! 

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  {Matthew 26:39}

Now I'm smiling. See what others are smiling about.

5 years it's been...

since my dad breathed his last of this life. I remember the last whisper in his ear, "Go and rest. I'll love you forever." The next morning he finally let go of this life, just as we had to finally let go of him. It was then that the hard part began.

I miss Dad daily- not a day that goes by that he's not on my mind, in my heart. I wonder if he knows about our lives. Has he seen Elijah grow into a small version of himself? Will he watch as Miles plays his first season of real t-ball soon? Is he head over heels for Ella, and does she remind him of me when I was little? Is he as smitten over Milla Jean as the rest of us are - his last, spoiled, adored grandchild? Has he watched as my mom has learned to go forward without him at her side, because that's all she can do? Does he know that my brother has moved his family back here, and that he has it hard at times feeling like he has to fill Dad's shoes? Take care of us in Dad's stead? Has he seen me struggle and seek and pray and wait, find more of my Father... and ebb and flow, ebb and flow in that relationship? Would he be proud of who I am, who I've become since he died, because he died? Does he know of our leap of faith, Jonathan's work, the very work Dad was so hoping would happen over five years ago?

I like to think that somehow, at least from time to time, he is able to see what happens to us, the left behind, the still journeying. I like to think that not only Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Moses and the rest listed in Hebrews 11, but also others who have gone on, are in the cloud of witnesses spoken of in Hebrews 12:1.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Once again, I am in awe of the love my Father has for me, because as I started to think about this post, I just so happened upon a link to a Tim Keller sermon entitled "Suffering: If God is Good, Why is there so much Evil in the World?" So I listened and took notes and was ministered to and loved on by my Father. Still, there is no succinct  answer all wrapped up neatly, but truly like the answer to all questions it is this: those who believe have hope. Below are notes I furiously typed as I listened, and he says it so beautifully:

"In Jesus Christ God became vulnerable and subject to suffering and pain and even death... on the cross, to our astonishment we see... if you've lost a loved one, we look up on the cross and see the Father losing His only Son... and Jesus screaming out in pain "why? why?"

At the cross we see how far God went to be with us in our sufferings. The cross can tell you that it can't be that he doesn't love us or that he doesn't care... he plunged himself to... infinite degrees beyond anything we will ever suffer so that one day He can end evil without ending us.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.  ¹⁰ Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, ¹¹ trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of the Messiah and the glories that would follow. ¹² It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things.   1 Peter 1:3-12

A living hope (verse 3) is a power, a dynamism, something that really gets you through that furnace (speaking of our individual trials as our own personal fiery furnace)...an inheritance kept in heaven... the foretaste of it is the physical resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. That's the promise. The resurrection isn't compensation for the life lost, it is restoration of that life... this world, your body, your loved ones, it comes back... pure, unfading, imperishable, unspoiled...

I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹ Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[h]
 55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
   Where, O death, is your sting?”^[i]
 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 ⁵⁸ Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.   1 Corinthians 15:50-58

And we shall be changed... death has been swallowed up in victory.

The experience of losing them made the experience of having them infinitely greater. The experience of losing them had been swallowed up by the experience of having them, so that it was infinitely more precious. If Jesus Christ's resurrection happened, and it did...then it means everything sad, everything horrible is going to be brought up into our future glory and resurrection and make it infinitely better than it had been if we've never had any of those experiences and that's the final and ultimate defeat of suffering and death. Everything sad will come untrue and yet the resurrection will be infinitely greater for it having once been true, all that suffering and all that evil.

Keller quoted Dostoyevsky:

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened."

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky (The Brothers Karamazov)

Hebrews 12:  for the joy set before Him, Jesus endured the cross... and Isaiah 53 shows that the results of His suffering He will see and be satisfied - you are His living hope, you - beautified, unspoiled, unfading, in His arms... The thought that you are His living hope will make Him your living hope.

Look into the gospel the way the angels do {1 Peter 1:8}, see in new ways what He has done for you, and you will rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory, and if you do your griefs will be taken up into His story and turned to gold."

I know these notes may seem sort of pieced together, but I wanted the words to be Keller's and not mine. To hear the entire message click on this link:

Suffering: If God is Good, Why is there so much Evil in the World. by Tim Keller

If you are still reading this, bless you. It's been long I know. These words have spoken such hope into my heart, and articulated ideas I had perhaps begun to have, but not nearly so beautifully and well thought out. My heart is so heavy as I write this. I am missing my dad. What I'd give to have those arms around me at this moment. But I have hope that I will see him again, when it is my turn to cease the striving. I have hope in the cross of Christ that makes death not the end but theTrue beginning. I have hope that "everything sad will come untrue and yet the resurrection will be infinitely greater for it having once been true."

I have hope, and so I have enough. And more than.

{Still loving you, Dad... your doll-lady}

giving thanks

"...always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:20

I remember well the first time this scripture really sprang from the page and was written all over my heart. And really, it kind of got all over me, and I wasn't sure why. Just weeks earlier Dad had died, and I just could not wrap my mind around "always giving thanks...for everything" in a season of why's and deep hurt and the intense missing. But the verse just keep after me.

Soon, I discovered I was pregnant with my Ella, and Miles was yet to turn one. After the calling to my mom, crying and in shock, and after some days, I realized that this is why the verse spun around in my head like it had. It began a work in my heart. It began the long process of teaching me to "always give thanks...for everything." {A process that continues today.} I quickly became thankful for my unexpected gift {being pregnant}, because of life growing inside, and life to look forward to. I saw, not unlike Job although with much less catastrophe, that He gives and takes away. And finally, finally, after a long time, learned to be thankful even for my dad's death. How? Thankful that his suffering ended by the most wonderful healing possible, healing at Home. Thankful that his striving could cease. Thankful to have had him in the first place. Thankful because God makes good come from bad and turns ashes into beauty and turns sorrow into joy. Yes, thanks be to God.

It's not easy, this "always giving thanks...for everything," and so I am reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts to find some encouragement in the trying. I was planning to read the entire book and then start writing my own list of gifts. Enter the sewing of the Easter dresses, the schooling, the decisions, the every day whatever and I have not finished the book. I'm determined to pick it up again, actually in just a few minutes, but I no longer want to wait to begin my list. I have no reason to wait to be thankful. If I learn to look for them, there are gifts all around, every day.

So as I keep reading, I'll start writing:

1. Freckles reemerging on little cheeks and noses.
2. The hard-working man, sitting at this moment working. He'll be up late tonight {again}. 
3. Sunday afternoon nap with my baby girl, after watching her sleepy eyes finally give in.
 
4. Blurry but sweet picture taken by Miles as Milla played with my hand and I talked to my mom.

5. Laughter with friends.
6. Reading a book to Miles {and thinking of the thinks we can think if only we try}.

I'm linking up with others making lists, counting His gifts:

I remember

A friend of mine just gave her sweet dad back to God, just like I had to do almost five years ago. And my heart hurts for her. I know too well the sadness and exhaustion. The relief of handing your ailing dad over to a healing God, for the ultimate healing of Home - no more tears, no more sickness. Yet I also know the shock, even though I was praying for God to take dad, to heal him, when He did I was almost like wait! Where did he go? Why did you do that, God?

For some reason I remember thinking but he didn't take his shoes! For reasons I can't explain, his empty shoes bothered me. Most of them he hadn't worn in months. But the empty shoes broke my heart. Perhaps because behind him he left shoes too big to fill. Impossible to fill.

I remember the fresh, raw hurt of mourning the just lost. It's so hard. It's like suffocating. It surprised me every time I woke up for a while. Eyes open. I'm ok. It's ok. Oh, wait...

I remember becoming a half-orphan, for that's how I felt. Like a good bit of my spine was taken away. So much of my support. A grown woman still needs her dad, even if she doesn't fully know it. It left me reeling. But there was Good to come of that...

for it was the loss of my dad that heightened the search for my Father. And though there is still ebb and flow in that relationship {remember? I'm prone to wander}, I've come to such a different understanding of my Father because of the absence of my dad. I can now see that all along the way my dad felt about me, thought of me, loved me - well, that's how God feels, thinks, loves. But even more. So much more.

See, my dad loved me big. He pushed me hard. He expected much. But no matter what, he was my biggest fan. He was for me. And I now know the same of God. He is for me.

That's a pretty good knowing out of a really painful hurt. Good always comes, but you have to force your eyes to see it sometimes.

So I'm praying for my friend, her family. For God's unexplainable peace. For the days, months, years ahead. That they will know and see and feel the good. That they will embrace the hurt as well, because in it they remember and continue loving their precious dad and husband. That they will know in the depths of themselves that One Day, He will make everything right.

As Sara Groves writes "Face to face, how can it be?" I can't wait for That Day.

remembering and knowing

I have a memory of a night many years ago when I was a little girl. I was sleeping peacefully in my sort of tall bed when suddenly I woke up screaming. Loud, terrified screaming. I woke up somehow clinging with one arm and one leg on my bed and the other arm and leg trying to keep hold on the wall. I was about to fall into that deep, dark space between the bed and the wall. I was holding on as best as I could, but was quickly losing grasp. And then he came to save me. My dad quickly came to my rescue, scooping me up out of my fear, and making things right again. I was so relieved when he came through my door, knowing I could almost let go.

There's nothing quite like strong, safe arms when things get scary. Like that night long ago, or like one of my husband's wonderful hugs when I am overwhelmed, afraid, anxious or sad. Back then with my dad and now with my husband, if I let myself let go, my fears and concerns can melt away, even if just for a time. It is the same, and much more so with God. I know He must long to be our comfort and promises to care for us like no one else can. And although I miss Dad's strong hugs, and love my husband's hugs {because let's face it, someone with skin can be easier to receive comfort from than a spirit} I am striving to receive what only God can provide. I want that. That's where true peace is found. And I need it.

I've been thinking on this scripture that came to me last week in a daily devotional:

"The beloved of the Lord shall ^a]">dwell in safety by Him; He covers him all the day long, and makes His dwelling between his shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

If I am willing, I will feel Him cover me "all the day long." How very amazing is that? And I am striving for an Abraham-like faith as seen in these verses that I love:

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21

I am claiming these verses in this season, when I am feeling sad and overwhelmed. Sad because one of my best friends is moving ({very} far away. This week. We've known since January and I guess I tried to put off the realization of it. Now it's here. It's happening. And I am so sad. But grateful that God promises to turn sorrow into joy {Jeremiah 31:13}. At this point, I'm not sure how He will do this, but I am "fully persuaded" that He will. I'm overwhelmed because in three months I'll have four babies. I know without a doubt that God called us to have this baby. He has confirmed His timing already in more ways than one. But as the time approaches I wonder just how I will manage all of my little ones. But again, I am "fully persuaded" that He will be sufficient for me during the transition and forever.

So, I will remember that night, when my dad came to my rescue. And I'll get lots of hugs from my man. And I'll look for all the times when my Father will "cover me all the day long." And I'll have a knowing that, no matter what, I will make it through whatever life brings. I may just need a little reminding...

dad's birthday...

is today. He would have been 63. I would have given him his very fave gift - a Sears gift card so he could add to his Craftsman tool collection. It's a gift I always knew he'd smile about and once I finally figured that out, it's pretty much what he got for every occasion.

The kids and I went with Mom to the cemetery to send some balloons to Dad today. It's strange the things you do when someone's gone. We've been taking him balloons each year, and the kids love to let them go and we pretend that he'll be able to catch them when they get high enough. It may be a little silly, but after the strangeness of buying birthday balloons for someone you can't give them to, there's a sweet joy in watching them fly up, up, up...

I love the book Where Do Balloons Go? by Jamie Lee Curtis. It was given to me by a friend when my sweet Daddy Pat died over eight years ago. Although it's intended as a sweet way to explain death to children, it has brought me much comfort over the years. Releasing balloons today made me think of these words:

Where do balloons go
when you let them go free?
It can happen by accident.
It's happened to me.
Where do they go when they float far away?
Do they ever catch cold
and need somewhere to stay?
Do they keep going up?
Can they ever just stop?
I'm sure that they're always
concerned that they'll POP-
maybe caught up in wires
pushed by the breeze
poked by tall buildings
or tangled in trees?. . .
Then does it get quiet?
Do the stars give a shove?
And send it on high
to that place up above?
Does it float there forever remembering me?
And know that I'm happy that it's floating free?
Where do balloons go?
It's a mystery, I know.
So just hold on tight
till you have to
let go.

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

it might be hope

So, it's been four years today since I had to let my dad go back to God. My heart is heavy as I look back over those words. But to soften the sadness, God's perfect timing set my ultrasound appointment for today. That can't be random timing. No chance. And yesterday God set on the heart of a sweet friend to pray for me regarding dad - and she had no idea that today made it four years. He cares about the details of my life and the hurts of my heart. And, once again, He's made me love Him more!

Here is the sweet little face we gazed upon today. Meet Poppa's {and Gammie's!} 7th grandchild:

{Oh, and this one will make a mere 13th grandchild for Granddaddy and MeMe!}

And we stayed strong. That's right, we have absolutely no clue if this is a boy or a girl. We decided on an old-fashioned surprise and are very excited about the anticipation that will keep building. The kids chose the following name suggestions tonight:

Elijah: Angeline or Thomas
Miles: Sandy {as in Sandy Squirrel} or Kill or Buster
Ella: Lily {she would not even consider a boy's name}

I've had a Sara Groves song running through my mind all day called It Might be Hope. I'll never stop missing my dad, and although the hurt doesn't hurt and suffocate like it used to, it still weaves it's way in and out of my every day. But there is always hope. Always. And today it was in a dark, quiet room, looking at our sweet, sweet baby.

You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes it's demands
you hold on as well as your able
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him..." Romans 15:13

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

"We will see Poppa...

when we go home, tomorrow," Ella recently said upon seeing "Poppa's office tower," also known as the RSA tower where my dad worked. (7th floor, facing his fave Chris' Hotdogs!) We see the tower anytime we leave our house via the interstate. There it sits, hard to miss in the crowd, not unlike my tall dad. I've really been missing him an even extra amount lately, for various reasons, but mainly because sometimes a girl just needs her dad. I can't think it a coincidence then that Ella has been talking of him often lately, other than the usual office tower sightings. A few weeks ago, after her near daily recognition of the tower, she said "I wanna see 'im. I wanna see Poppa." Me, too baby girl.

So when she said, "We will see Poppa when we go home tomorrow," what I heard was "we will see Poppa when we go Home tomorrow!" And whether tomorrow turns out to be sooner or later, glory to God that on some tomorrow I will see my dad again.Poppa's Princess

in search of answers

I've been struggling with a bit of confusion lately. Still, there is no grand revelation or wrapping a solution up in a cute little package, but I am ok with that. See, I've decided what I found to be true soon after my dad died is still true. I do not have all the answers. I will not have all the answers. I am owed no answers. They are not mine to have. After all, the Word says "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

Lately I've been made more aware of the belief that people who aren't healed of disease (to stay here on Earth, that is) are not healed because there was a lack of faith in the ability of God to do so. I'm here to say I fully and totally believe God is able to do all things, anything, create all things, sustain all things, calm a storm, cause a sea to part, save, heal, restore and on and on. I believe the bible to be His inspired Word and that in it we can find proof of miracle after miracle He performed or allowed others to perform. I believe miracles still happen today. I believed He could heal my dad. But honestly, I sensed that He wouldn't. I can't say why I sensed it, but I can say it was not by a lack of faith, but an understanding I received. So, when I could find the words to pray during that time, my prayers were for freedom from the intense pain Dad was in, or the constant nausea, but mostly that God's will would be done. Usually I had no words of my own, so I begged the Spirit to pray for me.

So to know that some would think the reason my dad was not healed to remain alive here is because we didn't believe God could do it, is honestly a bit upsetting to me. Maybe I'm just selfish, or whiny, or maybe I just want some comfort. I've been searching and asking about this. And here's some of what I've found, or rather what God has led me to. It simply cannot be coincidental that as I need some direction on this specific idea I've stumbled on other blogs or have been sent a daily devotional that spoke to this particular wondering.

Look at what a mentor sent my way after I asked her what she thought. Isaiah 57:1-2 says:

Good people pass away;
the godly often die before their time.
But no one seems to care or wonder why.
No one seems to understand
that God is protecting them from the evil to come.
For those who follow godly paths
will rest in peace when they die.

And 2 Corinthians 5:6-8 says this:

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

These passages reaffirm my belief that my dad was healed, he is healed, and in the most thorough way because he's Home. Shouldn't we all "prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord?"

A few days ago I came across this blog. This family delivered a baby who had already passed on to heaven. Here are a few quotes I found there:

"Let us greet the day which assigns each of us to his own home, which snatches us from this place and sets us free from the snares of the world, and restores us to paradise and the kingdom. Anyone who has been in foreign lands longs to return to his own native land... We regard paradise as our native land."

- Cyprian

"When I heard that I was in the wrong place... my soul sang for joy, like a bird in spring. I knew now... why I could feel homesick at home."

- G.K. Chesterton

"In the truest sense, Christian pilgrims have the best of both worlds. We have joy whenever this world reminds us of the next, and we take solace whenever it does not."

-C.S. Lewis

"I have a longing for the world above where multitudes sing the great song,

for my soul was never created to love the dust of the earth."

-"Calvary's Anthem" from The Valley of Vision

So I've come full circle, having no definite answers, but knowing again that answers are not mine to have. That what is mine to have is faith, trust, hope, love and a knowing deep within that God has the answers and I'll come to know them if and when He deems it. Allison sent me a great devotional yesterday from Carolina Chapel that said "we cannot always change our circumstances, but we can place ourselves in God’s presence, so that His strength and perspective sustain us. There is a set time for you to question things, to not understand. Just know there is also a set time for your answer to come."

And finally, (as you breathe a sigh of relief that this post might just have an end!), in the April 29th devotional of My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers writes:

"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sign of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God... Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come."