Saturday, February 5, 2011

I remember

A friend of mine just gave her sweet dad back to God, just like I had to do almost five years ago. And my heart hurts for her. I know too well the sadness and exhaustion. The relief of handing your ailing dad over to a healing God, for the ultimate healing of Home - no more tears, no more sickness. Yet I also know the shock, even though I was praying for God to take dad, to heal him, when He did I was almost like wait! Where did he go? Why did you do that, God?

For some reason I remember thinking but he didn't take his shoes! For reasons I can't explain, his empty shoes bothered me. Most of them he hadn't worn in months. But the empty shoes broke my heart. Perhaps because behind him he left shoes too big to fill. Impossible to fill.

I remember the fresh, raw hurt of mourning the just lost. It's so hard. It's like suffocating. It surprised me every time I woke up for a while. Eyes open. I'm ok. It's ok. Oh, wait...

I remember becoming a half-orphan, for that's how I felt. Like a good bit of my spine was taken away. So much of my support. A grown woman still needs her dad, even if she doesn't fully know it. It left me reeling. But there was Good to come of that...

for it was the loss of my dad that heightened the search for my Father. And though there is still ebb and flow in that relationship {remember? I'm prone to wander}, I've come to such a different understanding of my Father because of the absence of my dad. I can now see that all along the way my dad felt about me, thought of me, loved me - well, that's how God feels, thinks, loves. But even more. So much more.

See, my dad loved me big. He pushed me hard. He expected much. But no matter what, he was my biggest fan. He was for me. And I now know the same of God. He is for me.

That's a pretty good knowing out of a really painful hurt. Good always comes, but you have to force your eyes to see it sometimes.

So I'm praying for my friend, her family. For God's unexplainable peace. For the days, months, years ahead. That they will know and see and feel the good. That they will embrace the hurt as well, because in it they remember and continue loving their precious dad and husband. That they will know in the depths of themselves that One Day, He will make everything right.

As Sara Groves writes "Face to face, how can it be?" I can't wait for That Day.


Ashley Blevins said...

Kristin, I am sobbing as I read this. Thank you so very much for sharing this with me. I love you and know you know exactly what we are going through right now. Love you sweet friend.