So I'm sitting here thinking...

that I am indeed not cut out for this. At least not ALL of this. I'm not sure how to be good at all that I am responsible for. Teach {and mother} a second grader, mother the middles and help at preschool and organize play dates, and mother and care for and nurse and play with and read to and {try to} catch up on motor skills with the littlest.

Seriously. And be the doting wife. And try {and fail} to keep a home clean and make it peaceful. And remember to thaw something for dinner. And cook dinner. And sew all those sweet little things I want to sew. And chase after my First Love the way He desires, deserves. It's hard, people. I feel like I can't be good at one thing for having to do another. Too many hats. I can't be all things to all people, though I sure do like to try.

And I'm so torn about where all of this is heading. Back in October, Jonathan suggested we consider putting the boys in school next year. He says that his job is to see what's good not only for the children, but also for me. {Poor guy... I'm not so easy to deal with. He's got his work cut out for him.} So we started praying and seeking and wondering. And now we are in the process of testing the boys for entrance into a {very} small, Christian school. One led by a lovely woman who once homeschooled some of her ten children. The teacher that Elijah will have next year if he is accepted and if we decide to send him, homeschooled her two daughters in a time and place where doing so was illegal. So they absolutely know where we are coming from.

I'm torn because I thought the call to homeschool was an all-of-the-children, all-of-their-schooling-years kind of calling. And now I'm wondering if it was actually a for a season kind of calling. The thought of giving up the control I have in homeschooling is pretty terrifying to me. But the thought of being able to yes, teach my children all that should be taught at home {values, love for God, faith in Jesus, listening to the Spirit, otherness} but not be solely responsible for their academic training is freeing. I am reminded that we are their first and most important teachers anyway, and realize that putting them in school wouldn't change that. And then the guilt comes in...

The sweet principal {and remember momma to 10!} prayed with me and even cried with me as we spoke. She encouraged me to be very prayerful, which I have been. She told me that she, too, had lost sleep over worrying that the attention given to the school-aged child results in neglecting others. But she said that teaches "otherness." On the other hand, she spoke about the positive aspects of peer pressure and how a teacher that isn't your mother can sometimes pull more, different, and at times better things from a student. The thing she said that keeps coming back to me is this: this is a school that does little advertising. They desire to stay small, and believe God has thwarted their past efforts to do otherwise. They have been praying for God to send families for next year that they can minister to. That need this little school. And I'm wondering if perhaps all of this - the year at the magnet school and the experience we had there, the two years home, our sweet little preschool, certain friendships, and more - has been to get our family to this place. I'm having an Esther's "for such a time as this" kind of moment here.

I'm still torn though. At times it feels like failing. Giving up maybe? Other times it feels liberating, both for me and for the children. It would open up time for me to pursue and study and serve. It would give them certain opportunities that just aren't a part of homeschooling. But then, it would take them away from me. I've even wondered if I'd be sending them away? Then that feels oh-so-selfish, even though I would never view other mommas whose children go to school in that way. Never. Do you see how torn I am? I'm fairly certain the Enemy is planning a field day on this one.

So, I'll continue to pray. It may be taken out of our hands - we have no guarantee of acceptance. But if the decision does end up being ours to make, I'm praying for that peace that only comes from God. That's how we'll know. And, as I'm learning, God changes things up all the time, and if He is leading us to this school now that doesn't mean He won't bring us back home in the future. {Even though I know He knows I like to have things planned out!} He seems to want me to rely on Him. Oh, how I try {and many times fail}...

And because I can't leave you without a few pictures... and to remind myself that although mothering is hard and endless work {homeschooling mom or not, stay at home mom or not}, that my cup overflows.