I feel like...

the God of heaven lifted his hand through my Beth Moore Esther study book tonight and thumped me right on the face. Now, I have been loving, no - adoring, this study. Several times I have gotten behind in my daily homework only to find that I needed a particular Word on a particular day. Boy did that happen tonight. See, there is this person, this one person, who is pretty much a mean girl (and we discussed mean girls in this study a couple of weeks ago). She is mean and rude, and not just to me, but (according to the words of several others) she is mean to the masses. And, as Beth Moore said in an earlier part of Esther, there is nothing like a mean girl to raise up your own mean girl! This person has made me so mad, quite a number of times, and to the point where I just want to be mean right back. She thinks I have been, but fortunately, she hasn't seen the mean that I am capable of. I have held back the mean. Though I am so not proud to be admitting these feelings. She's made me so mad I've wanted to cry. So mad I have cried. And I don't like people making me cry!

And then I get to day 4 of this week's homework and I read this...

Make no mistake, we serve whatever masters us, and nothing masters us more completely than the person who refuses to bow to our rights, desires, or demands. We become fixated on the one from whom we cannot get what we want.

A person becomes a snare to us any time he or she consumes an excessive and unhealthy space in our thoughts, whether negative or positive. The individual may be someone ...we feel threatened or defeated by or whose approval eludes us...

And then it hit me. I feel defeated when this person is rude to me. I want her to like me. To think I am a good and helpful person. To think I am a great mother. That I am sweet and fun and creative. To know that I love God and am raising my family in His love.

I've come to the realization that she is not going to like me. Not now, maybe not ever. I think it's mainly because I have stood my ground with her more than once, and people rarely do that with her. She likes to intimidate others. Well, I may really, really want her to like me, but I will not be afraid of her. But I learned tonight that it is not enough for me not to fear her, I must stop allowing her to be a thorn in my flesh because as Beth put it I am "letting my preoccupation with one solitary person steal the joy countless others have brought me." No more.

Do you think I am trying to make people accept me? No, God is the One I am trying to please. Am I trying to please people? If I still wanted to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

I am to try and please God alone, not people, and certainly not this one person who has decided to not be pleased by me. How do I do this?

We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

I must capture the thoughts that I have about said mean girl and make them go away. I must seek to please God. Just God. That is so much easier than trying to please everyone. Than trying to please someone who is just never going to be satisfied. I will continue my daily prayers for this person as I have said them for her for several months now. I can't change her. I will also add to this the prayer than God will help me to let it go...that I can hold captive the thoughts I have about her and concern myself only with pleasing him. And focusing on his love and "the joy countless others" bring me.

I feel better now.