Really?

That's something I find myself asking often. Especially asking God. Really God? Are you sure? I'm not sure. Seriously? And he always says "Yes, I'm sure. Really." This time it took a while for me to relent to what he wants.

You may recall this post, and others preceeding it, where I explored my feelings concerning sending Elijah to kindergarten. I spent so much time worrying, fretting, praying, pleading, wondering, praying more, waiting for the day I'd send him off to big school. To big school all day. Every day. I did not look forward to that day. But through our prayers we knew God led us to this specific school for Elijah. I still know that He did, by the way, but only for him to be there for a time.

God has been working on me since September. I ignored Him on this for most of the school year. But I couldn't ignore Him after Spring Break when Elijah begged not to return to school. All kids do that, right? Probably at some point, but here's what he said, "I don't want to go to school because we have something at home that they don't have and that's joy." So that was the first twinge of wanting to keep him home for real. Oh, I still tried to ignore it, but couldn't for long. A couple weeks later I asked Miles' sweet preschool teacher about her days homeschooling her three boys. I had never mentioned it to her until this day. Her eyes got big and she said, "I can't believe you're asking me this today. Just this morning as I prayed you came to my mind and I thought about how you'd be a perfect homeschool family." Really God? Yes, really.

So then I prayed and waited. Miles' teacher prayed. I had others praying. Jonathan prayed. I felt a definite call was being placed on my heart. I made plans to attend a homeschool conference. And then one Monday when Jonathan came home from work he said, "I was thinking about it today and just got a feeling that it's what we need to do." So there it is. We are going to bring Elijah home for school. He doesn't know yet. He still has three days left in Kindergarten, so we may tell him Thursday night, or maybe sooner.

How can I be so sure and excited about something that never appealed to me before? Never. Well, I found this scripture just after we made the final decision to do it:

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13

That's all that can explain this choice. God has changed my desire to be what He desires. A year ago had someone told me I'd be preparing to homeschool Elijah, I would've thought they were crazy. And now people will think I'm crazy. Ironic, huh? My purpose is not to please people though, it is to please God. If I ignored this call any further it would be nothing but disobedience. Do I expect it will be easy? No, actually I'm pretty scared about it but:

He orchestrates the events of our lives to build us up and bring Himself glory, but that doesn't mean we will always like what He has assigned us to do. We often encounter great challenges as we walk in obedience to God. The greatest challenge of all might just be getting used to the fact that sometimes His assignments are different than the plans we had for ourselves... As we submit to the Lord's plans, we must first allow God to change our perspective, radically realigning our desires with His. from Priscilla Shirer's Preparing to Hear from God

So, as I plan for and await next fall, I will spend much time with God. He'll probably continue to hear me ask "really?" and He'll likely continue to answer with a smile, "Yes. Really." and:

Whether [I] turn to the right or to the left, [my] ears will hear a voice behind [me], saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

So I will ask Him, "Will You be with me, God? Really?" And I will hear an emphatic, "I will, really."

For the Legacy wall at church...

I remember well how she would wake me up in the mornings. She would sing “Beautiful Dreamer” but because she didn’t know all the words, they were different every day. There was also an original song about how much she loved me that ended with “bunches and bunches, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.” Now I often tell my own little ones that I love them bunches and bunches, forever and ever. She is my mom and one of my very favorite people and one of my very best friends. The legacy that I remember her beginning to build while I was a girl is one of love: simple, unconditional, never ending, always growing, like I hung the moon love. As a mother myself now, I finally understand that kind of huge, consuming love.

I remember Mom sitting across from me at lunch the very first day we heard the words “pancreatic cancer” as they related to my dad. I remember her saying “How will I ever make it without him. What will I do?” And I honestly didn’t know at the time. He’d always been there. But, now three years later, she’s doing it. She’s making it. Is it easy? Not at all. She misses Dad every single day, but she accepts God’s new mercies. She lets His joy be her strength. And though she may not realize it, she’s teaching me to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:3

One day when she has gone Home, I’ll remember her laugh, her voice, the way she called me her “pookie-girl.” The way she spoiled me even as a grown woman. The way she would always listen. Always. How she was always there. How she supported me no matter what. How she thought I was a good mother. That she thought I had valuable ideas. I’ll remember the songs she sang when I was a girl. I’ll miss her greatly, but I will endure, because that's the legacy she will leave behind one day. One of enduring with God’s joy as my strength. I am so very blessed.