Saturday, May 17, 2008

missing the jeans, the plaid shirt and all the thinking

during our lunch break today
I have really missed my dad today. I miss him every day, but some days are worse, or more painful, than others. I think on the whole I am at a point where I'm finally getting better - a mostly upward swinging curve, with some steps backward or sharp downturns every now and then. Mom and I talked recently and she helped me realize that maybe passing the two year mark has helped. It's almost like I can finally breathe a little easier. I don't feel like the grief will suffocate me now. For a long time it only got harder and harder, after all the longer he's gone the more I know he's gone. But I finally feel like time is helping, not that I want to encourage the use of any cliches; time is helping, not healing all.

Today, though, was one of the steps backward. See, a few years ago I had it all planned. We'd have Miles, move to Nashville to await Jonathan's friend's return so they could start an architecture firm, our parents would come visit us in our little 1950s ranch and my dad would help Jonathan put together a swing set in the backyard. As it turns out, we had Miles and then Dad became sick...

Today Jonathan started building a swing set out back. He missed my dad today, too. Not for the help he would've been necessarily, but for the experience of being and building with him. Although, it would've gone very slowly. Dad was a brilliant engineer and had to do things perfectly, pensively. He liked to get started and then think through things. Jonathan likes to think through things and then get started. It was always interesting to have an engineer and an architect collaborate, but this would've been the best. Jonathan designed this play set himself (including a cantilevered section) so it will be aesthetically pleasing and is (of course) well designed. My dad would have made sure it was also perfectly I missed him today. The jeans, the plaid shirt and all the thinking.

ella checking out her dad's progress


tamara said...

I am sorry to hear that you had a rough day. I am sure that the laughter that play set will bring to your family will help drown out the sadness a little. Hope you are feeling better today!

carrie said...

I am sure your dad would have loved the laughter the swing set would have brought to your kids daily life. I am thinking about you and lifting a prayer up for you, your mom, and brother!