Friday, October 31, 2008

wait on me

There was an incident this week, that I will not go into details about, that has made me stop to think. I am fine, but after a good number of tears I was left wondering... alright God, what do I do with this? Why did this happen? Are you trying to teach me something here, and if so, what? Could you just send me an email or call my cell next time? That would be much easier. Well, unfortunately, I've discovered that God doesn't email or call on the phone, although I sure wish he would. I did get from him though, that he wants me to step back. Once again, I've been trying to control every little detail, particularly of the lives of my children and the next 10 or so years of their lives. I want to decide, to know, to basically have my way. Well, as I found out this week, I can not always know, don't need to always decide, and that I need to continually give over my will to God's. This is one he's been working on me with for years. Within a years time, 3 years ago, I had a new baby, was planning a move to a different state, lost my dad quickly, decided we'd stay put here, became pregnant again. For about a year after that I lived differently, and better, fully realizing that I have very little to no control over this life. I even became o.k. with it. Then little by little my old self crept back in. When will I just get it? Every day of my life and of my children's lives are written in his book. He knows. He knows. I do not need to know all that he knows that is to come. I know some of it will be wonderful, and I'm sure there is some deep pain waiting out there. To know it all now would be too much and too distracting. So, my job is to love him, believe him, trust him, wait on him, pray to him and teach of him. Is that so difficult for me to do? Evidently. I'll give it all up and then I'll take it right back. Shheeesh, I am glad he has time to wait on me. I am quite the little project...

(Janae Dean)

So now you think you're ready
I know you've made your plans
I see you getting restless
Letting go of my hand
You're such a hurry
You say you have a song
Time has not yet come
With hope just carry on

Wait on me
Be still and know that I am God
Put your faith in me for I am here just
Wait on me
Its time to grow, now you can rest
I will show you when to wait on me

It seems like nothings moving
I know you wondering when
Be strong in faith, wait patiently
And know that I'm your friend
I know the things that you've been through
You call upon my name
I was there when you were hurting
And I won't forget your pain

I will renew your strength
And you will fly with wings of an eagle
So tell the world of my love
And I will bless your song again

Sung by Wayburn Dean. I can't find it on youtube. He came to church and sang this song back when Dad was sick.


Erika said...

Just know you are not alone in feeling this way. I think it is just a constant fight with our humaness and you know what, I think God loves us for that. One part of The Shack that really struck me was the conversation when "God" told Mack that He already knows every mistake we will make and therefore is never dissapointed with us. He knows how long it will take for us to "get it" so every mistake He cheers knowing we are that much closer. You are an awesome parent and example!

Katie said...

I've been pondering similar things today...