Thursday, April 8, 2010

I believe in you

Be warned: this one's heavy. Turn back if you aren't in the mood.

I've been feeling quite attacked lately. Attacked by the enemy through people who have no idea they are being used by him. I guess he's sneaky that way. All I'll say is that I've been left feeling unable in lots of areas of life. Oh, and last night {at church, mind you!}, I had someone say to me, "well, I think 2 children is enough" while someone else was speaking nicely to me about my pregnancy at the same time. To make sure I heard her, she said it two more times and then said, "did you hear me?" Why yes I did, loud and clear. And today was pretty tough. So much so that I didn't even know the words to pray and ask for help. It's the culmination of several things and it's become too much. And boy, do I cry ugly. The sound of it alone made me cry even harder. So glad none of you heard it!

Fortunately, I had a hair appointment scheduled for this evening, that I almost canceled, but I went on because my hair has been wild and crazy... all that to say that I had a few minutes alone in the car. I turned up my new CD and God used it to sing these words {that I so desperately needed} over me. I'm going to have to print several copies of this song at put them all over the place {maybe tattooed backwards on my forehead?} so that I can remember His sweet song.

I Believe in You by Bethany Dillon
When there's nothing to believe in, I believe in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you
And my friend Dione sent this to me today {I get it in my in box, but she and Allison know I don't always read it, so they'll forward what they know I need}. It's a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries. And it was perfect for the day, and did keep me from saying anything mean, because I read it early in the day. But honestly, I wanted to breathe fire. This is only part of the devotional, and the beginning was about how when people are mean to us, our mean girl comes out:

Yes, it stinks that this other person is determined to steal my joy.

It really does.

But in reality, my joy can only be stolen if I let it be stolen.

In John 15:10-12 Jesus says, "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command
is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Several things struck me as I read this verse. In each interaction I have with others, I'm faced with the choice to either remain in God's love or retreat from God's love. I can't control how this other person is acting towards me. But I can control how I act and react. If I chose to remain in God's love and react to this other person kindly, it affects my joy. Jesus interjects His joy right into the heart of a kind person. If I make the choice to be kind, instead of my joy being depleted, it will be completed.

So back off mean girl part of my brain. The Jesus girl in me is taking over. And holding on to every ounce of joy that's rightfully mine. Circumstances can steal stuff from me. But not my joy

And all Jesus' girls say, "Amen and amen!"

So, I've been reminded tonight, in such a sweet way, that God believes in me and wants to be my joy, and wants me not to focus on what others expect of me or want from me or think about me or how I live my life. I can't make them happy, only He can. I can't make them turn to Him for their joy. I can suggest to them and pray for them, but I can't force them. All I can do is remain in His love. Sounds easy enough, right? But it's a choice, a decision that I have to make daily. Thankfully, I know that:

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8

and for that I will praise Him.


A Skin Bag for Jesus! said...

Dear girl, I am sorry you were hurt. I'm sorry it made you cry. I'm a crier too... so I know how it feels. Tenderhearted beings tend to feel everything big. And that, my friend, can hurt sometimes... but at other times it feels realy good! May we never have our hearts so hardened that they cannot feel... even the least of things! For even pain has a purpose... and even those times can teach and help us relate to others when they've been hurt too.

You're so incredibly precious. Cry on until you don't need to... while Jesus Himself wipes your tears as you shed them on His feet.

You don't have to read them... but I put two posted blogs here just in case one of these old "feelings" of mine that I once penned because of what I felt might help you:

I will pray for you tonight.... for God to refresh you and bring you joy in Him so that you'll feel better by the time morning comes.

Allison said...

this post is beautiful - your heart is beautiful, and I love you!

Betsy and the Boys said...

Love you!

carrie said...

I am sorry you were hurt and that you are being attacked. I will pray for a break. Sometimes, it gets too big to bear. I know you have so much on your plate.

Erika said...

Wow, that's all I can say. Some people just don't think before they speak. I had to chuckle though about you asking her to repeat herself, and she still didn't get how offensive she was being. Sometimes you just want to thunk those people on the head. You have a beautiful family, inside and out, and I can't wait to "meet" this new little one too!

My favorite song right now for those times is Tenth Avenue North's By Your Side.

Andy said...

i feel me i know how you feel. i have some good comebacks for the "don't you know what causes that". my personal favorite is "no can you explain that one to me, or at least how and when you got pregnant." children are a wellspring of joy, NO ONE can take that from you :)and i'll gladly come tell your lady who thinks two children are enough that it's none of her *&^( business how many children you have :) you guys! if you need to moderate my comments you have my permission :)