If you need me, beep me...

That's what Dad always said. Always. And I always did beep him when I needed him. Usually I'd get a super fast response as if he was just waiting for me to need him. As if he had nothing better to do than be needed by me. He was usually quite busy saving our state from radiological disasters, but never too busy for me. I came to realize later how terribly much I still needed him.

When someone that has always, always been there for you (even when you don't think you need them, even when you push them away) - when that person is gone it's like your spine has been taken right out of your body. You fall and fall hard. And then, evidently, you spend the rest of your life trying to carry on and do the best you can. Sure, things that are hard make you stronger, and you have help from those around you - the others who also lost their "spine", and the little people who need you to be strong and happy and momma, and your wonderful, wonderful other half. I am changed, I am stronger. But I've realized that I was extremely naive when I thought the worst pain would be the week of his death. I thought he'd die and then I'd go about missing him but getting better all the time and less sad. I now know that the sad lingers, and I'm thinking it will linger until I see him again. Yes, I may cry less now, but I miss him even more. I need him even more.

The words to a Barlowe Girl song remind me of him saying "beep me if you need me"

I waited for you today, but you didn't show, no, no, no
I needed you today, so where did you go?
You told me to call, said you'd be there and though I haven't seen you, are you still there?
I cried out with no reply and I can't see you by my side, so I'll hold tight to what I know - you're here and I'm never alone.