Monday, March 16, 2009

good will come

Three years ago yesterday, I brought my dad home for the last time. It was the hardest day of my life up to that point. The seven days that followed were both painful and beautiful. My mom, my brother and I had the honor of making Dad's last days as joyful and comfortable as possible. Much love was given and received. And God was among us, waiting to receive one of his own. 

The three years since we lost Dad have gone both quickly and very slowly. On one hand it seems like he was just here - I can still hear his voice and remember how he smelled when we hugged. On the other hand it seems like it has been forever since that last kiss and whisper in the ear, when I encouraged him to go and rest.

So much change has occurred in me that would not have (yet) if Dad were still here. I've had to do a lot of searching. Praying. Waiting. Hearing. Feeling. At that time, I couldn't imagine how anything good could come of something so very bad. He wasn't ready to go yet, and we weren't ready to let him go. But he loved Jesus and knew he would soon be Home. A nurse had to come to the house and do an interview with Dad one of those days for insurance purposes, and she asked him to write a sentence. When I read what he had written I left the room sobbing, because I just wasn't ready, but now I love to remember what he wrote. He wrote: "Today is the day!" He was going Home. We all wait on that day, don't we?

As for the work that has gone on in me? It's like one of my favorite Sara Groves songs says: "the future feels so hard and I want to go back, but the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned." 

Once again, our Beth Moore study on Esther speaks to me:

God can reverse every negative element in His child's life and turn it into a positive. He doesn't just diffuse the circumstance. He transfuses it... your God cares about you! he wants to show you what He can do with your life and your negative conditions, but He wants you to know without a doubt that He alone is the author of reversals. Wait like a watchman on the wall and when the first sign of reversal comes, don't dream of calling it a coincidence. Raise the roof with praise and ask the One who has begun a good work in you to complete it! He is not only glorified through our suffering. He can also be supremely glorified through our celebrating. (p. 197 of the Esther study)
So, do I still miss me dad? Daily. I'll miss him as long as I'm not with him. But after much time and searching, I've come to a place of acceptance. I celebrate my dad's life. I celebrate the work God has done in me through my dad's death. I pray, I beg, that it will continue and that I'm only just getting a taste of what is to come. 

"...He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:2-3


Jessica said...

I just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog. I check it often. I was actually talking to a friend of mine in Michigan the other day and she said she found yours off of the link on mine. She loves your blog and reads it every time it's updated! I told her I agree. It's fantastic. Thanks for the thoughts you share Kristin!

Katie said...

I love the stories that you share of your Dad. I will be thinking of him a lot over this next week...and hoping for the day when we can all join him!

Lisa said...

Kristin, my heart goes out to you. I am sure that every day without your dad is difficult, but certain days (such as yesterday) are probably even more painful. One of my favorite songs of late is "There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp--the refrain is "There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears..." Such a great reminder of the life to come--that doesn't negate the pain of this life, but God can use that pain to draw us even closer to Him. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and struggles. You are a great encouragement to me and I am thankful for how God is using you!

carrie said...

I know that youe dad would be so proud of your growth. You have said many times how proud he was of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you reflect on your dad.