dad's birthday...

is today. He would have been 63. I would have given him his very fave gift - a Sears gift card so he could add to his Craftsman tool collection. It's a gift I always knew he'd smile about and once I finally figured that out, it's pretty much what he got for every occasion.

The kids and I went with Mom to the cemetery to send some balloons to Dad today. It's strange the things you do when someone's gone. We've been taking him balloons each year, and the kids love to let them go and we pretend that he'll be able to catch them when they get high enough. It may be a little silly, but after the strangeness of buying birthday balloons for someone you can't give them to, there's a sweet joy in watching them fly up, up, up...

I love the book Where Do Balloons Go? by Jamie Lee Curtis. It was given to me by a friend when my sweet Daddy Pat died over eight years ago. Although it's intended as a sweet way to explain death to children, it has brought me much comfort over the years. Releasing balloons today made me think of these words:

Where do balloons go
when you let them go free?
It can happen by accident.
It's happened to me.
Where do they go when they float far away?
Do they ever catch cold
and need somewhere to stay?
Do they keep going up?
Can they ever just stop?
I'm sure that they're always
concerned that they'll POP-
maybe caught up in wires
pushed by the breeze
poked by tall buildings
or tangled in trees?. . .
Then does it get quiet?
Do the stars give a shove?
And send it on high
to that place up above?
Does it float there forever remembering me?
And know that I'm happy that it's floating free?
Where do balloons go?
It's a mystery, I know.
So just hold on tight
till you have to
let go.

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

papaya-sized baby

According to thebump.com, our "baby's now the size of a papaya! Baby's little face is fully formed...minus the baby fat, of course. The next task at hand for baby: sprouting two teeny-tiny nipples!"

You may be thinking that's too much information, and I really almost didn't share the tiny nipples part, but it reminded me of something. When Dad was sick, Elijah one day pointed to his own little nipples and asked what they were called. So I told him. His pronunciation of it was "neebos." So the next time we were with Dad, I had Elijah share with him what they were called. Dad laughed and laughed. That crazy laugh he had where his cheeks would puff up. I love that memory. And the thought of that laugh. And so, it makes me happy to say today, my baby is about to sprout neebos!

the Sunday paper

Elijah and Miles made it into the Montgomery Advertiser today. They were thrilled to see themselves, and Ella immediately regretted her choice to stay on the ground while her brothers climbed aboard Prattville's ladder truck. The kids and I had a fun time at Prattville's Touch a Truck event yesterday. Well, I had a pretty good time... lots of very loud truck honking made me a little edgy... but it was worth it to see Miles' face as he climbed in all the big trucks he loves.

I believe in you

Be warned: this one's heavy. Turn back if you aren't in the mood.

I've been feeling quite attacked lately. Attacked by the enemy through people who have no idea they are being used by him. I guess he's sneaky that way. All I'll say is that I've been left feeling unable in lots of areas of life. Oh, and last night {at church, mind you!}, I had someone say to me, "well, I think 2 children is enough" while someone else was speaking nicely to me about my pregnancy at the same time. To make sure I heard her, she said it two more times and then said, "did you hear me?" Why yes I did, loud and clear. And today was pretty tough. So much so that I didn't even know the words to pray and ask for help. It's the culmination of several things and it's become too much. And boy, do I cry ugly. The sound of it alone made me cry even harder. So glad none of you heard it!

Fortunately, I had a hair appointment scheduled for this evening, that I almost canceled, but I went on because my hair has been wild and crazy... all that to say that I had a few minutes alone in the car. I turned up my new CD and God used it to sing these words {that I so desperately needed} over me. I'm going to have to print several copies of this song at put them all over the place {maybe tattooed backwards on my forehead?} so that I can remember His sweet song.

I Believe in You by Bethany Dillon

When there's nothing to believe in, I believe in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

And my friend Dione sent this to me today {I get it in my in box, but she and Allison know I don't always read it, so they'll forward what they know I need}. It's a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries. And it was perfect for the day, and did keep me from saying anything mean, because I read it early in the day. But honestly, I wanted to breathe fire. This is only part of the devotional, and the beginning was about how when people are mean to us, our mean girl comes out:

Yes, it stinks that this other person is determined to steal my joy.

It really does.

But in reality, my joy can only be stolen if I let it be stolen.

In John 15:10-12 Jesus says, "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command
is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Several things struck me as I read this verse. In each interaction I have with others, I'm faced with the choice to either remain in God's love or retreat from God's love. I can't control how this other person is acting towards me. But I can control how I act and react. If I chose to remain in God's love and react to this other person kindly, it affects my joy. Jesus interjects His joy right into the heart of a kind person. If I make the choice to be kind, instead of my joy being depleted, it will be completed.

So back off mean girl part of my brain. The Jesus girl in me is taking over. And holding on to every ounce of joy that's rightfully mine. Circumstances can steal stuff from me. But not my joy.

And all Jesus' girls say, "Amen and amen!"

So, I've been reminded tonight, in such a sweet way, that God believes in me and wants to be my joy, and wants me not to focus on what others expect of me or want from me or think about me or how I live my life. I can't make them happy, only He can. I can't make them turn to Him for their joy. I can suggest to them and pray for them, but I can't force them. All I can do is remain in His love. Sounds easy enough, right? But it's a choice, a decision that I have to make daily. Thankfully, I know that:

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8

and for that I will praise Him.

it might be hope

So, it's been four years today since I had to let my dad go back to God. My heart is heavy as I look back over those words. But to soften the sadness, God's perfect timing set my ultrasound appointment for today. That can't be random timing. No chance. And yesterday God set on the heart of a sweet friend to pray for me regarding dad - and she had no idea that today made it four years. He cares about the details of my life and the hurts of my heart. And, once again, He's made me love Him more!

Here is the sweet little face we gazed upon today. Meet Poppa's {and Gammie's!} 7th grandchild:

{Oh, and this one will make a mere 13th grandchild for Granddaddy and MeMe!}

And we stayed strong. That's right, we have absolutely no clue if this is a boy or a girl. We decided on an old-fashioned surprise and are very excited about the anticipation that will keep building. The kids chose the following name suggestions tonight:

Elijah: Angeline or Thomas
Miles: Sandy {as in Sandy Squirrel} or Kill or Buster
Ella: Lily {she would not even consider a boy's name}

I've had a Sara Groves song running through my mind all day called It Might be Hope. I'll never stop missing my dad, and although the hurt doesn't hurt and suffocate like it used to, it still weaves it's way in and out of my every day. But there is always hope. Always. And today it was in a dark, quiet room, looking at our sweet, sweet baby.

You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes it's demands
you hold on as well as your able
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him..." Romans 15:13

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

Siesta Scripture Memory Team trip

Last March {wow, has it been a year already?} my friend Allison emailed me with a pretty crazy idea. She had been on Beth Moore's blog and quickly decided that we needed to join the Siesta Scripture Memory Team. It consisted of memorizing two verses per month during 2009, posting them each time to the blog, and ending with trip to Beth's home church in Houston in January. Even though it sounded far off and challenging to carry off, I immediately emailed her back with "Let's do it!"

We were a little behind the game picking up in March, but we managed to go back and add our scriptures to each blog post, and then set out to learn them. It was amazing at the end of the year, because you could clearly get a sense of the year we each had based on our verses for each month. What a year it was for both of us - we each had financial burdens {at staggered times - we understood each other but were never in that "pit" at the same time - thank you, Lord}, they had a possible relocation, we were in the process of praying and deciding about homeschooling, then there was the start of our money trouble with the end of theirs, the start of homeschooling {yikes!}, God's call on us to have another baby, my aunt's death, finding out we were pregnant, and Allison's uncle's death. A big year, I'd say. And all along, we had verses or scripture segments to carry in our hearts... God is faithful... no matter what.

So, all year we became more and more excited about our plans to join our buddies Beth and Travis Cottrell in Houston. Would it be a road trip or would we fly? Would we have the money? Would it work out with our husbands and kids? {They were so great to let us go. Thanks, guys!} We felt resolved to go, and had faith that all the details would work out. And they did, perfectly. At the end of January, we made the road trip to Texas. Not a bad drive when you're with one of your best girls, with no kids in the back, talking, singing to great music {like Sara Ingram}, and reciting scripture to one another. A few tears, many laughs, and a great time of worship and learning!


This is when we split off in pairs to recite scripture at the event. We were required to say 10, but Allison said all 24 while I said 15 of mine. When we were done we took a moment to watch the others... a beautiful sight. God's daughter's speaking His words. I knew He was smiling!


Cute Beth. She gave an amazing lesson on Psalm 119. I could write an entire blog post about the lesson {I took notes like a mad woman. Beth is so annointed that when she speaks I just want to remember it all}. I'll just give you the part that is hanging out in my heart:

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105

See, His Word is a lamp. Not a spotlight or your headlights set on bright. A lamp. He lights our way enough for the next step, enough to light the path just in front of us. If He lit it too much, we wouldn't need Him. {And likely wouldn't know how to handle all that we'd see. You know, new mercies for each day. Not all days together. One day at a time.} I've just been letting this settle deep into my heart. I don't know what the future holds, and I need to be ok with that. And I need to trust. For several reasons, I really need this right now.

Oh, remember when Allison and her man had a possible relocation last year? Well, two weeks before this trip she told me they were moving for sure, this summer. So, I've been praying for them to be in God's will. I'd rather that be here, of course, because I'm selfish like that. So I've also prayed for me, to take the next step in this matter also, and know that God needs them where He is sending them, and to prepare for what it will be like when we are friends {forever!} but from a distance.
In our pink boas {someone's idea to be identifiable around Houston - this is the only time we wore ours!} with our scripture spirals in front of Houston's First Baptist Church. Thanks, Allison, for your crazy idea. It worked! {And Lord willing, we'll meet up in Houston again in 2012 after the next round.} I'm so grateful for our friendship, that I know God will make even stronger across the miles. And whether we end up back in the same place or not, One Day we'll never have to part.

If you've ever been to a Beth Moore thing, then you know she always leaves by commissioning her students. Through tears, Allison and I spoke this to one another, with 500 other sisters:

You have honored your God by treasuring His word.
You have been through a rough year,
but here you are!
The delight of your Father's heart
and a thorn in the devil's side.
As we go our separate ways, hold fast to God's precepts.
Let Him use His decrees to put iron in your soul.
Let no sin have dominion over you.
And when you stray, and you probably will,
and you feel like you can't find God,
call out to Him with all your might.
And He will come find you.
Because never forget
that the Son of Man
came to seek and to save
that which was lost.
Now girlfriend, go out there and do that thing!

a quick update

Due to my fatigue, mad procrastination skills, and self-diagnosed ADD, I have not been much of a blogger lately. I am now 15 weeks, 2 days into this pregnancy and evidently {according to thebump.com} our little one is navel orange-sized. Here's what babycenter.com says about week 15:

Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces. She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds.

Because of some shifting around of appointments, and thanks to my sweet doctor, our ultrasound will be earlier than we've had one before. He wanted me to wait 5 weeks between my last appointment and the next one so the babe will be a little bigger for an ultrasound at 18 weeks. When the receptionist made my appointment I smiled, and then almost cried, because it will be on the 4th anniversary of my dad's death. Lord willing, it will be a sweet way to spend that special day. God never ceases to amaze me with His perfect timing. He obviously delights the in handling our details.

So, we have 3 weeks to officially decide if we will find out this little one's gender. We always have, but we think it will be so exciting to wait on this one. I'm not sure if I'm that patient, but I think I'm willing to challenge myself. Everyone I've spoken to who has waited has been very encouraging to me and say that it is well worth the wait. As of our last discussion {last night} we plan to wait. Time will tell.