Thursday, January 3, 2008

Striving Ahead

I'm a bit blue. It's not unusual for me to be a bit blue, since I suffer from depression. It's also not unusual for me to be a bit blue in the month of January. It's always a little sad for me when the holidays are over. Last year I spent January waiting for my sweet little girl to arrive. This January I will spend planning for her first birthday party. It is very bittersweet for me to plan this one - I love doing the invitations and planning the menu and decorations. I've had a great time thinking about a girly party. But it's a little sad to know my baby is about to be one. This year has passed far too quickly.

It's also really strange to enter yet another year that my dad will not physically be a part of. He lives on through what he shared with and taught us. These things are with us daily to help and guide us. On a spiritual level I know he's still around. I've even felt a few times like he's been right next to me. I truly believe Ella has seen him. But physically he was not part of 2007 and won't be part of 2008 and so on and so on. So, I'm blue. I'm trying to pull myself up with thoughts of endurance and of how Dad would want me to handle myself. Hebrews 12:1 speaks to this:

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

In his book The Real Heaven, Joe Beam discusses this verse and parts of Revelation 6 to show that those in heaven are aware of what their loved ones are doing here on earth and that they pray for us. What an amazing thought. Prayer on my behalf from my dad who stands face to face with my Father.

This Watermark song has really meant a lot to me in the past 18 months or so.


You repair all that we have torn apart and
You unveil a new beginning in our hearts and
We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you
(to you, oh Lord, to you)

We will dance as you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us


Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best when what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised (4x)

(to you, oh Lord, mender of the broken)

I am grateful for what has been left behind. Grateful for all the good. Grateful for all the bad we made it through somehow. Grateful even for the bad. What an honor and privilege it was to help care for my dad in his last days. Hard? Yes. Very. Precious in it's own way? Yes. Absolutely. I learned so much about him and from him in those days. We received many letters from people across the country recounting ways Dad had touched their lives during his travels with work. I can be and am grateful for these things. Knowing that God sings over my coming fears gives me hope for the future. If I let myself I get bogged down in fear. But having been through what I've been through I know that there is strength and mercy that is poured out just when you need it. This gives me hope. God will repair all that we've messed up. This gives me hope. Hope is what I'll post about next time. I'm not one to make resolutions for the new year, but I suppose if I was to make on for 2008 it would be to try to strive ahead and run the race with hope because I already know how all this ends.


tamara said...

You have no idea just how much I needed to hear this today. I am a little blue right now, too, and have suffered with depression for many years now. I will keep your struggle in my prayers.

Gina said...

Beautiful, as always. Love you.

Rebecca said...

You know, Brent works for Public Health and never got to meet your dad, but knew of him because of what a great man he was. I continue to keep you in my prayers.